February 2012
8 posts
5 tags
Even my bruises ache with yesterdays. I’ve lost track of the days because there’s too many to see you again anyway. It doesn’t matter because you’re still there and I’m still here and I’ve said it a thousand times and each time it doesn’t get any easier and I’ve lost sense of everything now that you’re gone. I’m past the point of being sad, and now comes the anger. I’m angry at the ground for...
6 tags
I feel like there’s stains all over every part of me and I could live underwater and I could swim through salt and they’d never go away. They’re like a tattoo I never asked for and they spell out all the things I’ve done to ruin what you have. I hate you for getting under my skin and I hate myself even more for allowing you to. Someone needs to turn the lights off in my...
I don’t like spending too much time with you because its just
so much harder to leave.
And all these colors make me think of a part of you I miss.
I’d rather be in black and white.
I have grown so awfully and incredibly attached to the idea of never having to let you go and I’m afraid of never being able to say how I feel because
if I lose you, I’d lose a whole...
Some days I feel like the sun’s on my side. I feel like I can carry it around and drop it from the rooftops and watch it roll along the streets while everyone sleeps. And it would crash into buildings and light up the darkest places. I can hide it in the palms of my hands and seal it in an envelope the size of North America and sail it across the seas. And it’d burn up all the distance...
I talk about you like you put the stars in the sky. But it’s only because I’m pretty positive you do. After all you gave me the universe on my ceiling. And the lights coming in between the cracks in the blinds before I’m ready to go. I’d waste all my time. And I’d spend it all away if it was all spent away with you. I’d go bankrupt. I’d loan out minutes...
1 tag
I went stargazing last night in my room. And I think its the only place around here where you can see the stars. And I keep thinking if I lock the doors and keep the window closed tight, and I lay under enough blankets, I won’t ever have to leave.
Because every inch of me reminds me of you now. I’m not sure how it happened but I’m glad it did. Because I have someone to hold...
2 tags
I think you might be contagious. Because my knees are sore and my back is breaking and I’m almost positive one of these days I’m going to shatter to the ground if you don’t hold me together.
It’s funny how many ways I can be angry. I’m furious. I’m angry at them, at everyone. My myself, at her, for bringing me you. Except I can’t thank her enough. I have...
January 2012
21 posts
2 tags
I can’t help but believe it all means something. Maybe little somethings. Not enough to make you sweat but enough to make me blush. I’ve been counting up from one and waiting on you to count for me. Much to my surprise, you’ve actually kept up. Or maybe it’s me that’s doing the chasing. Either way I’m not a fan of running. Let’s sit down for a while....
I’ve always heard that home is where you make it. I’ve decided home is wherever you are. I assume it’s kind of redundant, maybe obvious. I’ve made this decision twenty times before. Not a soul in this state can deny it. I’ve painted my ceiling with your promises. I keep thinking about the same things. And every thought seems to be laced and woven with some idea of...
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know how far away you are. They don’t know that money would buy me a day, a week, a lifetime with you. It could buy me the distance and buy me the time. It could buy me the hour that I’m completely content, void of all thoughts that make things anything less than alright.
Sometimes I forget what I’m doing here. I have...
You can leave a few footprints here and there and leave the map trailed down my back and leave diamonds in the floorboards of all your secrets but you can never make me forget how I feel how I felt how I’m feeling with you. I’ve counted every step and every left turn and every exit ramp and all that they add up to is too far away.
I’m flat out scared. I’m not afraid to...
I wonder how many songs these trees on the side of the highway have heard. Because I’ve passed them a thousand times. And each time I have a different voice.
I bet they remember the way the tires crushed the snow beneath us and the way the car doors vibrated with every word you ever said. They’d talk of the wrong turns we took on purpose and where we ended up. And how I’d give...
I wonder if the sky looks the same from where you are. Like the way I wonder if people see colors the same way. I wonder if you notice when the moon falls in love with the sun every morning, or when they fall out at night. I wonder what you think about when you can’t find the right words, or who you think about before you fall asleep. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up too late. And...
You told me you didn’t want to sleep. I wonder who ever wants to sleep anyway. From the end of my rope to the tip of the iceberg I cant come up with a reason to close my eyes.
I’ve reasoned with myself that I’ve spent half of my days asleep. I want to keep just this one. Just this once. I can bargain with the stars for one night. A few restless hours that they can have back...
3 tags
I’m having a hard time thinking up a list of words to describe how I felt. I could throw words around and I could smash together every vowel and every consonant and all I would get is a mediocre word, not worth describing what we are. I can make you think I know what I’m talking about. That I’m some eloquently worded individual, stringing words together at the snap of a finger. But I’m not. I’ll...
I could steal your keys, lock them somewhere you can’t find them. I could derail every train from here to California. I could cancel all the flights from today until next year. I’d change the weather for you to stay a little longer. But would that make you listen?
What could I say that you haven’t heard?
Call me when you fall asleep. Call me in the morning after you’ve...
You say you never finish anything. You say you’re too impatient. You need to move on. You’re like the song we sing, over before I’m ready to go. But no worries, I’ve got an entire list to prove you wrong. You finished the summer without saying goodbye. Without I’m sorry. You finished you and I, before I could catch my breath. You finished the entire month of June...
I just want to be there. I want you here. Anywhere, with you. I just want to lay next to you like we did. I’ll write notes into your skin even though you already know what I’m going to say. I want to hold your hand and tell you it’s okay. You squeezing back to tell me you’re alright. When you run your hands down my arm and I push back. You always laugh at me. And your whole body shakes and makes...
I’m ready to see the world from a different angle. I want to watch the world from above. And on nights when there’s something in the sky worth seeing we’ll drive far away where the lights can’t touch us and we’ll stare until our eyes water and the stars blur and we forget all our worries. All our sadness. Everything that every hurt anything. And all our broken ribs...
5 tags
I never meant for it to feel like this. I never meant to feel you in the floorboards and let you slip in through the open window that you left wide open when you slept next to me. I didn’t expect to hear your voice when I listen to our song and feel your hands wrap around my lungs when I start my car. Like the engine is going to explode and I’ll never be able to get to you. It’s...
We whisper “I miss you” instead of “I love you”. Because that’s all thats ever meant anything. “I miss you” exchanged with glances across the room. I miss you in your arms. I miss you laying next to you. I miss you when you show up. “I miss you” as I tell you about the dream I had. It was about you but you don’t know that. I miss you as...
I can’t stop reading, I can’t stop learning, I can’t stop looking at the words you never meant for me. I read them backwards and twice a day and at night when I’m almost positive I don’t want to wake up. I read them when you can’t see what I’m doing and while I soak in your smell. They make me stomach turn and they make me miss home. They wrap themselves...
There’s nothing I need more than this. I can feel it behind my ribs and under my skin like it’s begging me to go. I’ve set ground rules for dreaming. I can’t hope too much and I can’t think about it at night. I can’t say it out loud and I can’t write it down. I can’t send it through phone lines and I can’t go to sleep with it in my brain. I...
I hid it all. My feelings, my mind, my thoughts, my memories. My troubles and things I forget: I hid it all in the trunk of my car and locked it and buried the key and I’m going for broke. My pockets are empty and soon enough my lungs will be too. I’m all or nothing. And if I don’t make it I’m not going to bother coming back. I’m burning up my rear view mirrors and as...
I’m trying to remember all the things I loved before you left. The way you knew all the words and the way you looked at me when I was laughing. Nothing can beat the fogged up windows from a laugh too many. When I have to draw my way out with my own hands. And I leave stories behind that only show up when I’m with you again. I know because I read them when you’re not looking. I...
3 tags
You keep my heart busy and my feelings awake. I’m afraid if they sleep I’m going to miss something. I’m watching all the time. I watch the moon come out and I watch the sun go to sleep. I watch your dreams and I ride your train of thought until it crashes into the sea. I could float forever. These are the good awakes. The hours of fog and mist and cold. When I swear I can hear...
1 tag
I can’t tell today from yesterday. I’m not even too sure what day it is. I’ve fallen asleep in the car and on the floor and next to you. I’ve been awake for years. But it doesn’t matter because even when I’m dreaming I’m thinking of you. All that matters is you were here then and not now.
I’m not sure if I understand what’s going on but I...
1 tag
I keep filling the void I have with thoughts of you and its not working only weighing me down. I feel empty. Like you’ve been attached to my side my whole life and you were just ripped away now. I’m finding it hard to live normally. Because your smell is in the sheets and your fingerprints are on my doorknobs and I follow your footprints across my floor. I watched you walk through the...
December 2011
11 posts
I’ve set the world on fire a few times.
And everything seems to burst into flames except you. Like you have some stupid immunity to the god damn world. I hate that about you. The fact that you can ward off anything.
I read once that everyone in your dreams is someone you’ve come in contact with some time in your life. I saw a girl stand next to you and every night she sits in the...
Do you know I used to write about you?
Everything I strung together had your fingerprints on it.
I’d write like you were listening.
I know you did at one point. At least once.
I read it now and I don’t remember. That was a different time. A different place. A different me. A different us. The world turned a different way back then. My life was a different color then.
I still...
Sometimes it hits me like a pile of bricks and sometimes it crashes down on me like the rain after the biggest cloud has passed overhead and sometimes it taps me on the shoulder and before I can even turn around it whispers “everything is going to be alright. everything is going to be okay. You will be back in the morning.”
But sometimes I feel like I am being crushed by the weight...
I tell you while you’re sleeping so the stars can hear it too. I’ve written it on your sleeves for when we decided not to speak. I’ve said it so many times my voice refuses to let it out. Its a wonder how you can still hear me.
I swear I haven’t slept at all since you’ve been away. I’m doing something much different when the sun goes down.
I saw the stars...
I tell you every morning.
I’ve told you a thousand times. In the distant buzz of your alarm clock when you’re half asleep. When you try so hard to go back to wherever sleep took you.
Maybe you were with me.
I fall down the drain when you wash off yesterday. I hide in your pockets that hold your keys. Swinging from your fingerprints that you leave on every inch of every single place...
I keep holding on to that small little inch of hope that keeps me close to you. and sometimes I think its getting bigger. And I’m scared that its going to swallow me before you have a chance to come home.
and then I think
do I love you..or the idea of you? And what about me? do you love me, or the idea of me?
Do people fall in love with ideas?
Because
you’re very real to me.
I...
You have the kind of words that would break bones and melt away my hands and I find myself telling you anything just to keep you from falling apart.
I just want to climb inside your thoughts and take a nap in your yesterdays.
It only gets better from here.
It only gets better from here
It only gets better from here on out.
I’ll use every vowel, every letter, every page of every dictionary....
Sometimes I write to you, about you, for you. and I wish you’d read it as I wrote. I wish you’d feel me punching the keyboard in your lungs. every single letter leaving scars The pencil writing the alphabet in your veins. So you’d look down at your wrists and see, swimming in blue, the words I could never say out loud. Or you’d open your hands and a novel would play out right in your palms. ...
I want to be the hands that pick you up. The hands that push all the hate away and the hands that take care of you until the end of time or until you don’t need me anymore. The hands that hold your heart and keep you safe. The hands that hold your face next to mine and keep you close always. The hands that cover your ears when you don’t need to hear and the hands that cover your eyes when I don’t...
I’m inventing the things we need. I’m half asleep and reaching for the paper to write it down so when I wake up I can remember. Like something that makes the north star light up when I thought of you and needed you to help me find my way home, even when I’m sitting in my own bed. All the constellations would point to you and you’d see it and I’d hear your voice and I’d know which way to go. Even...