I keep filling the void I have with thoughts of you and its not working only weighing me down. I feel empty. Like you’ve been attached to my side my whole life and you were just ripped away now. I’m finding it hard to live normally. Because your smell is in the sheets and your fingerprints are on my doorknobs and I follow your footprints across my floor. I watched you walk through the door a hundred times but it was the time you walked out that hurt the most. I would have stood outside for another hour and I would have taken a later train. 9, 8, 6, 10, 7. It doesn’t matter now because now there’s only one and one hundred miles farther than you should be. 

I would die ten times over just to spend another week with you as a ghost

I’m unsure of a lot of things. Like why you can see the same moon as me from across the world or why hot water stops working every time I decide I need it. Or why my chest decided to love you more than anyone else. Or why the universe decided to drop you just far enough out of my reach. There’s trains all night and buses all day but I keep missing all of them. They’re farther out of reach than you. 

I’m thinking right about now that my sadness is an ocean. Every single tear every cried adds up until the waves crash up against what I’ll never see and the water drowns everything I never was. I’d let you crash into me if you asked. Because you’d do the same for me. 

I hope I don’t lose you like I lose everyone else. Only…I don’t really lose anyone. I’ve never lost anyone. I know exactly where they are. Not with me. and that’s all that matters.